Words
by kr kill
Summary: oneshot. 383. Love is nothing but a mystery. It partially exists but along with it is the sensation of pain & sorrow upon waking to the reality of such onesided love. Words are essential in a relationship, in dealing with the future and knowing the truth.


Words

**_A/N: _**I'm so sorry; I'm feeling quite down at the moment…TT Please bear with me, as it is I am still fighting over my writer's block (I hate it!). ::sigh:: This is dedicated to the ML and those who love Sanzo and Hakkai. Well, since I couldn't seem to finish it last August (yes, it took me several weeks…TT), this is for Hakkai's upcoming birthday instead. I hope you like it. Please do not forget to review…

**_Disclaimer: _**Saiyuki is not mine…it is owned by Kazuya Minekura.

! start !

People have the tendency to doubt ones self and to doubt what is already up close. In the same way, love exists without really existing. There is an inner glow visible in all of us, conveying our feelings and making it known to the whole world. But there are still those who love without realizing or without accepting such feelings, only that it does exist.

They said love is/was self-sacrificing. To love someone is the greatest gift one can offer and to be loved is the best experience one can ever go through. But still there are those who say that love is reserved only for two persons…and those who say true love makes one content in just seeing the other happy.

Here, love is nothing but a mystery. It partially exists but along with it is the sensation of pain and sorrow upon waking to the reality of such one-sided love.

----

He just stood there, staring blankly ahead as huge droplets of water fell from the dark gray sky.

Discomfort was apparently written all over his face, his once calm demeanor forgotten in the back of his mind. He didn't even hear the sound of footsteps stopping by his side. Didn't even feel the hand resting itself on his shoulder.

He only came to his senses when he heard someone calling his name, "Hakkai…."

Just hearing the voice brought back sad memories and it took all his strength to eat up the sob that almost left his now trembling lips. It brought despair and longing knowing the day he ever waited would never come. He thought once, he'd never grow tired of saying he loves him but this time, this time he knew his body was taking its toll.

Now, all he has to do was pick the remains of his shattered pride and walk away from his life forever. Leave and never turn back. Hopefully, he'd still be able to mend his broken heart the same way he had the day Kanan died.

"S-sanzo…."

The other snarled, encouraging him to continue. If that's what you call encouragement…

"This is wrong…"

He wanted Sanzo to understand him with just simple words. He didn't want to explain anything to him because he knew he'd be lying if he said he didn't love Sanzo anymore. Truthfully, every ounce of his being still loved the man.

"Don't play with me, Hakkai."

"I…I can't do this anymore…"

He has to tell him everything now, before he looses his sanity and before they do anything he might regret later in the night.

"When we first got into this…this relationship if you can call it that way…I thought I would never grow weary of saying 'I love you', day and night. And that I would never grow weary of waiting for the day you'd be the one to say you love me back. But thinking as to what we've been through, I realized you'd never love me in return. I was just stupid to make myself believe…any of this was ever true…"

He closed his eyes, pushing away the tears threatening to fall off of them.

--

He stared at the man whose eyes were closed, hair disheveled and lips slowly trembling.

"I l-loved…you…."

He heard him whisper inaudibly one last time before the man stood and opened his eyes.

Back facing him, he heard him whisper once again to the air, "S-sayonara…Sanzo…"

He saw a few drops of tears falling from the other's beautiful emerald eyes before he heard the door softly clicking.

He puffed the cigarette long forgotten in his hand before sitting himself by the windowpane.

"Sanzo…I love you more than anything in this godforsaken world…" 

He remembered everything, how the other called out his name every night. How the other moaned in pleasure because of him. How the other screamed for release that only he could give.

"H-hakkai…."

"Sanzo…d-don't…s-stop…" 

He remembered, how Hakkai did the very same thing to his body. How he called out Hakkai's name every night. How he groaned in pleasure just feeling the other by his side.

"Sanzo…impatient are we…" 

He then realized how much he used Hakkai. How he toyed with the other's feelings…and slowly he understood that Hakkai deserved much better. Hakkai deserved anybody except Sanzo-houshi-sama.

But before he could ponder into such thoughts, before he could start hating himself, he heard a knock on the door.

"Sanzo…I'm hungry…."

"Maa…maa…Sanzo…" 

"Go bother someone else," he huffed.

"Ne…Sanzo…."

"Maybe we should try this, Sanzo…" 

"Try asking Hakkai," he cringed, saying the name brought back painful memories.

"S-sayonara…Sanzo…" 

"But Sanzo…I can't find Hakkai…"

And for the first time, he knew he was terribly worried about Hakkai's said safety.

--

The rain was pouring hard but he just stood there, letting the rain fall to his face.

_"Don't play with me, Hakkai…."_

"I loved you…I loved you more than you ever know…" He whispered.

He could've given him everything, the world even but just like every little thing here in the world, this so-called relationship shall cease to exist.

"Why am I still alive? Why can't I just die?"

"H-hakkai…I'm sorry…" 

It was always Kanan's voice. It was always her voice.

"Kanan…I betrayed you…"

"Hakkai…I'm sorry. P-please find happiness…" 

"I can't…I just can't…"

Slowly, he allowed the tears to fall until he was sobbing his heart out.

"Damn it! How can I tell my heart to stop loving you?"

"H-hakkai…more…Hak—." 

He was loosing his sanity by the minute. He had lost a part of his heart when Kanan died; he only got it back when Sanzo entered his life.

"It hurts…when will it stop hurting?"

"Will the pain ever stop?"

He felt a towel on his head before he took notice of the figure he just couldn't make out in the rain.

"Let's go back…Hakkai."

The voice was utterly familiar. He knew the voice but he didn't want to remember who he was because whoever he was, he was taking away his salvation.

"I _don't_ want to go back."

He saw a flash of concerned amethysts. And reminisced that he loved them once, he just couldn't pinpoint the source of this perturbed hatred.

"P-please…."

Hearing the pleading voice and seeing those beautiful amethysts brought him back. But he didn't want to go back. There was too much of that agony…too much that the rain became his salvation.

"S-sanzo…."

It was his name, how can he easily call out the name. How can he still love the man who brought him pain? How…?

"P-please Hakkai…let's go back."

"The Sanzo I know would never plead. He would never care…."

--

He knew it was true; he would've never cared for anyone, Hakkai no less. But he was willing; he was willing to beg…to beg for Hakkai to return.

Was it love? Is this love?

"The Sanzo you knew would never plead. But people change, when they are eager to change."

He doesn't know how to call this feeling but he was sure of one thing. He would not live without Hakkai by his side. He was willing to give up this whole journey just to make sure Hakkai would never leave him.

But before he could hear the others answer, he heard a thud and saw the body lying unconscious by the rain.

He immediately carried him inside, laid him in bed, wrapped him in warmth and sat by his side waiting for his fever to go down.

"I am willing to change…I'm willing to surrender everything I have worked hard on just so…just so I can spend lifetime with you."

His hands traveled to play with his brown locks. The other trembled immensely due to the lack of heat.

"It isn't right to kill yourself in the rain."

He knows, the other was sound asleep but he wanted to, needed to speak his thoughts out loud.

"You can probably kill me when you wake up but for now this is the only way to save you."

He crawled into bed and wrapped his arms around Hakkai. The other just snuggled closer to the unknown warmth.

"Hakkai…"

He didn't know how but next thing he knew he was sound asleep with his arms wrapped securely around Hakkai.

He felt someone tugging at his arms before slowly opening his eyes to see the other widely awake, emerald meeting his amethyst ones.

"Let. Go. Of. Me."

He fought the urge to smirk.

"What if I don't want to?"

"Sanzo…"

He knew he was testing the others patience but he didn't want to let the other go. Not when for the first time, he was enjoying the company.

"Please…you brought me inside. Now, let me go…"

Finally, he allowed him to stand up though he wasn't really willing to let him go.

"Hakkai…I told you I'm willing to take chances, willing to make changes…."

"You're making this even harder than it is already. I'll be fine, really. I'll forget soon…just for the time being…"

He held the other firmly on the shoulders cutting the other before he could even finish what he was trying to say.

"Damn it, you're not listening. I don't want you forget. I don't want you to forget about me."

He knew he got the other's attention because the other was now staring at him questioningly.

"Hakkai…I…I love you…."

The others eyes widened as big as saucers.

"No!"

"What do you mean _no_?"

"Sanzo…I'm not forcing you to love me. I'm not even forcing you to pity me. You have your free will, don't say those words when you don't mean them."

He never thought explaining it to him was any way harder. He wasn't listening to any damn word he was saying. It was difficult already difficult for him to blurt it out, it was harder reaching out his sincerity.

"Listen to me. Listen to me…I know its not easy to hear me out. I know I've been such a fool letting you go when you were still with me. I've used you so many times but I didn't realize that slowly you were so close to reaching me. I don't want to admit this but I lost to you, Hakkai. I know I don't deserve you but let me try. You've changed me and I'm happy you did."

"I. Love. You."

"I…I—."

He couldn't just finish his sentence especially when he claimed Hakkai's lips with bold tenderness and passion he never knew he had.

"Believe me, this time I'm not going to let you go."

--

He felt hand wiping his now wet cheek. He didn't even know he was crying.

"I'm sorry, it took so long for me to realize."

"I'm sorry, I always make you cry."

He would've told him to stop apologizing if only he could. But what came out were painful sobs…all his frustration, anger, longing and agony.

"I'm so sorry…."

He couldn't believe that the Sanzo he knew was willing to change for him. Couldn't believe the Sanzo he knew would beg for his return.

"S-sanzo…"

"For what its worth…I'm willing to take the second chance."

And for the first time, in his life he saw the figure smile and felt the tight embrace reserved only for him.

"Thank you," he heard the other whisper with utter tenderness he never knew the other possessed.

----

Love is such a foreign word to all of us. It is the best gift yet the most dangerous one as well. It affects our whole being and allows us to change for the best.

Words, they vary depending on their kind. There are vulgar words, sweet and affectionate words and other kinds of words. Words are essential to express our feelings but more to what they can ever tell, actions speak louder than words.

Every single person has a second chance to renew their selves. People must never waste such opportunity. Life is short; we can always be blind to what's already laid in front of us. Learn to speak volumes and see the world clearly…blindness may lead to another unexpected situation.

It is right it should be so:

Man was made for joy and woe;

And when this we rightly know

Through the world we safely go.

Joy and woe are woven fine,

A clothing for the soul divine.

Under every grief and pine

Runs a joy with silken twine. (1)

! owari !

**_A/N: _**Finally it's done…oh well hope you like it all…don't forget to review and thanks for reading.

(1) It's from Auguries of Innocence by William Blake


End file.
